i love, you love

question marks?

What made you become mad at me in a split second? why don’t you bother telling me what i’m doing wrong? Why do you turn me down when i offer to make it up to you or even cancel? Is it because i forgot about carpooling until a short time ago? is it because i didn’t tell you how i was gonna carpool? if its not any of those, please tell me exactly what i did wrong. The chances of you coming over on friday on your own will just went down exponentially, and i don’t know how i did it. If you really dont want to come over on friday then don’t =’[.. i feel like i’m forcing you to come when in reality i just want to cuddle with you in bed for a prolonged period of time. If you really dont like driving to my house then i won’t force you to anymore. i’ll let you determine when you want to come. I’m about to break down again wondering whats causing all this. All this probably won’t matter by the time you read this.. i just want to know whats going on… am i not keeping you happy anymore? what is it…?

good night, i love you.

“ I haven’t seen you in a while; too long…

— I think I’m gonna stop writing in here

For some peculiar reason

my mind loves to wander…

i hate waking up and realizing that you were probably too tired to make it to my house. i cried again because of it. i love it so much when you come over and nap with me for hours and hours. i wish you would text me to say you cant make it so i wont have to get my hopes up. every time, the night before you say you would come over i look forward to it so much, and im tearing up as i write this because i miss you and wish we were in my bed even though we just spent an entire day at disneyland together. i want more… im tired and i cant even go back to sleep. maybe im just being too demanding. i love you krisette… a lot

trying to stop

Its hard. It seems like everytime you get mad at me now I end up in my room, laying down on my bed, start crying, and wake up realizing that I just cried myself to sleep again. I’m sorry I get you so mad at times… and I need to stop this habit of crying myself to sleep. I just wish you would reconsider letting me take you work tomorrow… but thats probably not going to happen. I just hope that you’re not losing interest in me… by the time you read this its going to be too late for you to reconsider =/, and it makes me pretty sad. I understand you’re really tired and stressed from work, and I should have came to visit you to make you happy. I’m mad at myself for realizing that after the whole situation… I wish I knew the consequences of my decisions sometimes, because times like these hurt. I hope you don’t stay mad at me for too long… and that you don’t take this post as bullshit =/.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The entirety of Graduation evokes such terribly mixed feelings from me. It’s a damn good album, but this shit, man… I’m writing this with tears in my eyes.

Every single song forces me to relive the emotional rollercoaster that was the majority of 2008. With the slight exception of Good Morning (reminds me of when Sharon & I visited the Murakami exhibit) and Stronger (only because it was the first single and song I heard off of Graduation; it reminds me of Something Awful, sadly).

The days I spent trying to kill the stress with a copious amount of showers and hot baths. I remember how fucking stressed and upset I was to have to take 2-3 a day. I would stay up late, worried, bumping this CD to take my mind off of anything and everything. The constant mindfuck I was in for a good part of the year is something I hope I’ll never have to relive. It seems stupid to be so stressed over someone like this in retrospect, but that’s how I was.

Graduation… makes me crave being back at The Spot. I had a somewhat pleasant reminder yesterday of the tranquility that exists in downtown LA at 2 in the morning. I wish I had the ability to go back to that coveted parking lot across the Disney Orchestra Hall. Listening to this song, staring at the city lights, thinking. Though the romantic aspect no longer applies, the sentimental aspect will always remain.

That’s enough, Mr. West; please, no more today.

Crying

Its been literally 10-20 minutes since you went to sleep. I’ve already began crying with Magic on my lap. I want to be there with you, through all of it. I want to be at your side to fight off your fears. I want to believe that i’m enough to get rid of your fears. You helped me experience so many great things, so many places, so many emotions, and i want more… with you there along my side. In contrary to what you think you are.. you are pretty.. you are beautiful.. you are hot.. you are everything i could ask for and more. Your looks are not what defines you, yes it is a part of it, but not all of it. Deep inside you are an amazing person, do not let your fears change who you really are. I know you care for me, but i hope you sincerely believe me when i say the same. I also want to believe that you are as committed to this as i am because you are the reason why i am in the first place. This is what you wanted, a dedicated committment to a relationship. And i am giving it to you. No, i’ve been giving it to you for quite a while now. I want to help you.. and i want you to help me when i need it as well.

Do not let your fears take you over, i’ll help you get over them

You are beautiful, do not let anyone tell you differently

I love you.

Part of the list

how the ends of your bangs stick out when they’re being supported by your glasses

your funny faces that you make when you scrunch your face together

your little dance that you do with your arms and hip

the sound that you make when you poke someone, “ough”

the high pitched sound that you make when you laugh really hard

the sound that you make when i tickle your feet, “MMMMMRGHHHHHH”

the moments when you get extremely lovey dovey with me

the moments when you just want to do absolutely nothing and lay down with me

the times when we sit at a park and look off in the distance together

our many inside jokes

our dumb conversations with Magic

the times that we spend napping together

the times that we spend watching basketball together, whether its in the evening or 5 am in the morning

and all the other random things that we do. the things that make us laugh until we cry. these are all reasons why i want to keep you, why i try so hard to keep you with me, why i want to keep you satisfied with me as your boyfriend. there isn’t a day where we don’t share a laugh, a smile, or a kiss together (besides the days that we don’t see each other). we always make something fun out of nothing, whether its napping together, chilling, or actually going out. all the little things mean so much, and i hope you realize it. i love doing everything with you. i want to keep you.

and i hope you want to keep me as well. i’ve told you so many times just how much you mean to me and i hope i can be the same to you. i’ve never shed so many tears for something or someone. you are the first. i don’t want to let this go, this warm feeling in my chest. i truly deeply hope that you don’t let it go cold.

My pillow is sweaty.

I’m really really really really glad that you came today. This was one of those days that we did absolutely nothing and just relaxed, oh and I mention the sex ;]. I don’t think the sex needs any explaining. I always love napping with you, no matter where it is. Theres just something about having my significant other right next to me, in my arms, and with her eyes closed. It has a really.. warm feeling to it, and thats not from the sweat from the extreme heat. I love it when you stay the entire morning/mid-day to night, it shows me that you really do like being with me no matter what we do, even if we’re doing nothing at my house. I know my house is a bit boring for guests, but i hope you enjoy every second everytime you come over. I love it when we chill, whether if its at my house or yours. I really do not mind the fact that we can have fun and laugh while doing absolutely nothing the entire day. It makes everything gravvvyyy ;]. I love you so much Krisette and i hope you feel the same way i do.

But its not your birthday!?

one of the days i was looking most forward to, saturday. It seemed like forever waiting for you to get off work and come to my house. When you did, my eyes lit up when i saw that white van of yours and ran straight towards you for a big hug. I felt horrible because you didn’t feel well and that you were extremely exhausted. I didn’t want to bother you while you tried to nap, so i left you alone and told you i would wake you up just in time to go buy the ingredients for our tiramisu. But Magic wanted to know who’s birthday it was, so we told him it was no ones. He seemed sad =[ so we told him it was his birthday! YAY! Then he went back to sleep… =[.

I was worried when we were getting our ingredients because you just didn’t seem well. It looked like you were hit with a fever because you were beat red at times and you were wobbly when you walked. I wanted you to lay down and rest but you insisted you wanted to make cake with me, and I appreciate that you put me above your own health… i really do. It was either that or you wanted the cake more than me =[. I’m sorry we didn’t go out to watch fireworks. I really wished you stayed another hour because they started all the shows while you were driving. I was able to see a lot of them from my hill, and i wished you were there standing there with me. But i loved the day, i love laying in my bed with you and having a really intimate talk. I loved making sweet love with you by kissing you and making you feel good and i really wish we had the alone time we usually get because i just wanted to satisfy you.

and i really hope that you liked the day as much as i did. Doing things together always make me so happy because everything ends up as fun instead of work. I really really really hope we can get a day together, the entire day from morning to night. I just want to spend time with you..

i love you, but i wish there was something greater in words that i can say for you. Somehow i hope you can understand just how much you mean to me.