September 2009
3 posts
question marks?
What made you become mad at me in a split second? why don’t you bother telling me what i’m doing wrong? Why do you turn me down when i offer to make it up to you or even cancel? Is it because i forgot about carpooling until a short time ago? is it because i didn’t tell you how i was gonna carpool? if its not any of those, please tell me exactly what i did wrong. The chances of...
“I haven’t seen you in a while; too long…”
– I think I’m gonna stop writing in here
For some peculiar reason
my mind loves to wander…
August 2009
1 post
i hate waking up and realizing that you were probably too tired to make it to my house. i cried again because of it. i love it so much when you come over and nap with me for hours and hours. i wish you would text me to say you cant make it so i wont have to get my hopes up. every time, the night before you say you would come over i look forward to it so much, and im tearing up as i write this...
trying to stop
Its hard. It seems like everytime you get mad at me now I end up in my room, laying down on my bed, start crying, and wake up realizing that I just cried myself to sleep again. I’m sorry I get you so mad at times… and I need to stop this habit of crying myself to sleep. I just wish you would reconsider letting me take you work tomorrow… but thats probably not going to happen. I...
July 2009
9 posts
The entirety of Graduation evokes such terribly...
Crying
Its been literally 10-20 minutes since you went to sleep. I’ve already began crying with Magic on my lap. I want to be there with you, through all of it. I want to be at your side to fight off your fears. I want to believe that i’m enough to get rid of your fears. You helped me experience so many great things, so many places, so many emotions, and i want more… with you there...
Part of the list
how the ends of your bangs stick out when they’re being supported by your glasses
your funny faces that you make when you scrunch your face together
your little dance that you do with your arms and hip
the sound that you make when you poke someone, “ough”
the high pitched sound that you make when you laugh really hard
the sound that you make when i tickle your feet,...
My pillow is sweaty.
I’m really really really really glad that you came today. This was one of those days that we did absolutely nothing and just relaxed, oh and I mention the sex ;]. I don’t think the sex needs any explaining. I always love napping with you, no matter where it is. Theres just something about having my significant other right next to me, in my arms, and with her eyes closed. It has a...
But its not your birthday!?
one of the days i was looking most forward to, saturday. It seemed like forever waiting for you to get off work and come to my house. When you did, my eyes lit up when i saw that white van of yours and ran straight towards you for a big hug. I felt horrible because you didn’t feel well and that you were extremely exhausted. I didn’t want to bother you while you tried to nap, so i left...
Day One
When i was driving to Rocketship Park, I was wondering whether i was going to be there first and that i’d wait for you at the swings. But then i arrived and saw your car, and that you were already there swinging without me. I walked to you and just wanted to embrace you tightly and never letting go, no matter what. When we sat down and when you told me that i hurt you, i broke down again. It...
Fresh Start
I’m glad i got a chance.. that was the biggest test i’ve ever had to endure and pass… bigger than my SATs! you are everything to me.. EVERYTHING. i don’t know what i would do if you had left me… i really mean that.
correction.. that was the biggest test WE ever had to endure and pass… and im at a loss for words right now.
i truly, deeply, love you krisette...
i gotta feeling...
the past 1-2 weeks have been both frustrating and amazing. Frustrating because of the arguments we have that tend to leave the night ending the worst way possible.
But to be honest, as much as we hate whatever arguments occur, somehow we end up making up the next day. Sometimes i don’t understand how it happens, and im glad it does. It strengthens our ever so loving and unique bond that we...
June 2009
6 posts
LA.
No better city than Los Angeles, that’s for sure.
Today was the Championship parade & rally for the Lakers, my loves, and once I knew we had won the title I was dead set on going to the parade. It had been 7 years since I watched the last parade on television — this time, I wanted to be there.
It took an awful amount of persuasion to get Edmond to go, but I managed, and this...
Logs.
So I’m sitting here reading old AIM logs that stretch as far as this laptop’s been alive — not very long, to be honest; I received it a couple weeks before I left for Irvine.
And it’s so fucking crazy how different my world was less than a year ago. Last year I started the summer excited, fresh out of high school, tangled in emotions stemming from my attraction to a...
Concern.
The rate at which I’m beginning to be suicidal is also increasing.
Just kidding, but seriously, half the shit I deal with on a near-daily basis I do not need in my fucking life right now. The sheer amount of headaches I get every day fucking amazes me. I wish I could just die of a brain aneurysm, be cremated, and forgotten about.
I don’t want any of this anymore.
God I hate myself...
Anger.
The rate at which I feel like punching someone in the face is increasing every day.
I’m not cut out for this.
Meh.
I hate life right now.
May 2009
6 posts
Tumbly?
Working at Starbucks is awesome so far, and I love my iced cup tumbler.
(But then again, I haven’t actually worked with the people at the store I’m going to be working at… makes me a little nervous.)
—-
When I listen to songs that have romantic connotations, I love envisioning them or singing them to the boy. How awkward is that? Tonight I manipulated Lloyd’s...
“No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming....”
– Hunter S. Thompson’s suicide note.
It scares me a little bit because I used to believe I didn’t want to live past 50, either. Whether I need to or not is a different story that will unravel as the years pass.
Overwhelmed.
No to Pinkberry, yes to Starbucks.
Having a job is nice and different, though I miss the laying around time I’ve lost now. Sad how I went from “fuck I’m bored I need a job” to “sigh I wish I could lay in bed longer.” Learning to make drinks is a little more stressful than I thought, cleaning is not so bad.
I feel a little bit less valued. How does that...
Silly.
I know reading old journals and wishing I were back in those situations is pointless and only serves to depress me because, and I have to face it, I can’t go back. As much as I would love to recreate certain situations, it’s impossible. The best I can do is relive memories and settings with the people who matter most now.
But I was wondering, if I had to choose a time to relive and...
Summer.
It is a funny thought to realize that the only interview that’s gotten me a job was one that was completely unorthodox and intense. The stereotypical behavioral bullshit got me nowhere.
But I’m sure Pinkberry isn’t that bad of a job.
I set up my schedule for the next two years (ideally, one and a half). I look forward to getting my nurse on at CSULB.
I hope I get plenty of...
April 2009
7 posts
Moneytimewaster.
How did I go from “ew makeup” to “omfg free makeup YESSS/omg 78 color palette YESSS” in the span of a few years? From calling girls who wore makeup clowns to watching pretty asian chicks and gay dudes do their makeup on YouTube? Why is MAC so expensive?
I spent some time and money reading the Beauty & Makeup thread on SA today. Coming back to Firefox made me...
TI&M
This instant and moment, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with intense passion. Every single day for almost seven months I wake up with a fresh presence in my heart, one that only grows bigger every time I crawl out of bed. Almost always the first thing I think of as I wake, most definitely the last thing I think of before I sleep. Passion amplified and doubly motivated by my mistakes, driving me...
Alone.
I wish the last post wasn’t the last one, because my fuckup seems even worse now fuckkkkkk my life I don’t deserve to be in this. I really don’t. I haven’t learned.
(At least the playoffs are coming up? That’s a good thing. Basketball is my fallback when times are exponentially increasingly tough.)
OH HELLO!
I knew that night that you needed me… more than ever in fact. I wanted to make sure that you didn’t just hang up on me or decide to go sleep. I knew i had to somehow get through those clouds that came out of no where, knowing that somewhere inside the girl i love is struggling. I knew i had to lift her back up, even if it meant staying up all night…
… and thats exactly...
#$@%
The biggest, most legitimate FUCK MY LIFE I will ever make.
Losing hope.
March 2009
2 posts
February 2009
11 posts
Sacrifice.
“that was very powerful, what you just said. it shows a lot about a person if they’re willing to say that. and for that, i thank you.”
maybe not exactly word-for-word, but i’m glad that night ended like it did
Disneyland.
ummmm
i wanna go to disneyland again
the one place i don’t have to worry about anything in, ever, except for maybe money.
Animosity.
i HATE
HATE
FUCKING HATE
not knowing what’s going to happen
& right now, it’s ripping me apart.
i can’t stand the thought of me wasting away my life like this right now.
maybe i need a therapist.
Anger.
Dustin: I'm trying to get better with it too
Dustin: it's hard though
Dustin: :/
Me: it is hard =[
Noun.
something’s missing.
Valentine's.
well,
it was better than last year.
2008: “i pretend like i hate valentine’s day but i really don’t. i want gifts and dates and chances to watch romantic movies too. even shitty powerpoint valentines, despite this disgusting throwback to a time i shouldn’t be thinking about. i’m still not over them. them. but what can i do?”
i didn’t get any of the...
Past.
sometimes i wonder…
why did he delete his facebook?
or did he just block me completely?
why do i have alex & ki added still? i’ve never, not once, talked to alex and ki showed stefan my LJ with the intent of making fun of edmond.
why did arya stop talking to me? did he decide that since stefan & i officially broke up, i wasn’t worth the pursuit? he 1) stopped...
Gullibility.
Me: hey they're saying your name on TNT
Edmond: O_O?
Edmond: you friggen liar
Edmond: i turned off the ps3
Me: LMAO
Edmond: and its a friggen commercial
Edmond: -_-
Edmond: ugh
Me: wow
Me: i didn't think you would believe me
Edmond: -________-
Me: i only said it cuz they said ed
Me: LOL
Edmond: ...
Me: i am laughing so hard right now.
Stress.
probably didn’t get the jamba juice job, which is getting me down.
not looking forward to running around and throwing down applications … again.
also, bynum injured = major sadface
January 2009
11 posts
Worry.
nothing more accurately describes the state of my mind right now than the above.
so where do i go from here?
Friendship.
i just got off the phone with shaun & ended up spilling to him all my anxiety and stress over sharon and the bitchy “comments” and the upcoming music fests and the partying and the drugs and her acid trip. i told him about how edmond said eventually there’d come a time where i’d have to pick between him & sharon based on how things looked right now, and shaun even...
Hilarity.
see i dont know what the fuck u feel ur self becouse maybe u have $300 dollors ur sharp look let me tell ur life story u mother fucker peace of shit listen u nevered hade a girlfriend in your whole pethetic life u are about 28 29 years old right…. u live wit your mom in the house i live in her basment u have no job u stay in ur mothers ass all day long she is gona die u r to there...
Difficulties.
how do i help a friend when every plea for help she makes only serves to remind myself of my shortcomings?
i told her i didn’t even know how to help. i was in the same position.
meh
Familiarity.
Me: an all too familiar statement
Me: hah
Kat: which one?
Me: "Aaron": cause you know (or should know) that you're the only one for me / "Aaron": yet you're doubting yourself
Kat: :(